In this episode of Stay at the Top, I explore why so many high achievers consistently place their own needs at the end of the line. This pattern rarely comes from lack of care. More often, it is habit, identity and conditioning.
When your default is to carry the load, it can feel uncomfortable to direct care inward. Yet the research and lived experience are clear. Protecting your own wellbeing preserves your capacity to lead, create and contribute.
This is a reminder to check your priorities, reassess what truly matters, and begin taking small but deliberate steps to support the person at the centre of it all: you.
In this episode I share:
- Why high performers often override their own needs
- The invisible cost of constantly saying yes
- How people-pleasing and identity reinforce old patterns
- The link between self-neglect and reduced energy, clarity and recovery
- Three simple ways to redirect time and attention back to yourself
- How boundaries improve performance and relationships
- The power of an anchor habit and how to protect it
- Small actions that make self-support more achievable
Key Quotes
“Putting yourself first is not indulgent. It is strategic.”
“Every yes has a cost. Often the cost is you.”
“Self-care is self-preservation. It keeps you available for the things that matter.”
“When energy is protected, performance improves.”
Episode Resources
Jessica Spendlove Website – www.jessicaspendlove.com
Jessica Spendlove Keynotes – JessicaspendloveKeynotes – Jessica Spendlove
The High-Performance Profile Quiz https://jessicaspendlove.com/quiz/
Jess Spendlove Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jess_spendlove_dietitian/
Jess Spendlove LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessica-spendlove-64173bb8/
About Your Host
Jessica Spendlove | Wellbeing Speaker & High Performance Strategist
Jess Spendlove is an international wellbeing and high performance speaker, coach, and advisor. With over 15 years of experience across corporate leadership, elite sport and the military she is known for helping ambitious leaders and teams optimise energy, build resilience, and sustain peak performance.
As one of Australia’s leading performance dietitians and a trusted voice in executive wellbeing, Jess delivers science-backed strategies that empower individuals, teams and organisations to thrive under pressure and achieve long-term success.
Episode Transcript
The following transcript has been automatically generated and not checked for accuracy
Jess Spendlove (00:21.262)
If you are someone who always puts yourself at the bottom of the list, today is the episode for you. Now, you might be leading a team, running a business or holding things together at home. You are smart, you’re capable and you’re committed. People rely on you and because of that you give a lot. In fact, you probably give more than most and truth be told, your 70 or 75 % is probably
Probably better than most people’s 100%. Sound familiar?
And to be honest, this is what I see every day with people just like you. They’re high achieving, they care deeply about their families, their teams, their work, yet one behavior repeats. They put themselves last. Now the tricky part with this is it’s rarely a conscious choice. It is more about how you’ve learned to operate. But as the saying goes, when you say yes to something, you say no to something. And if you’re honest,
You might notice that that no is often directed at you. That might be your health, your energy or your wellbeing. Now, this conversation has been front of mind for me recently. To be honest, I’m navigating it personally and this isn’t the first time I’ve navigated it so many times in my career, just in different ways, shapes and forms. And it’s something I see time and time again with my clients. In fact, it’s conversations that we often have.
And it also comes through loud and clear when I survey groups and audiences before a keynote. And in fact, later this week, I’m running an offsite with a group of CEOs. And yet again, this is shown through.
Jess Spendlove (02:15.778)
This is one of the most consistent themes that I see and it’s often people know what to do, but they simply do not feel the permission or understand how to put themselves first. And I guess this is where the tension exists, that the yes to, whether it’s their staff, whether it’s a project, whether it’s taking a call at a time which isn’t convenient for them, that all might feel helpful or necessary or fine in the moment.
But too often it comes at a cost and that cost is often your focus or your energy or your sleep or your bandwidth and eventually your health and your performance. Putting yourself first is not an indulgence. It’s actually a responsibility. It’s… Self-care is not selfish. It is actually self-preservation. Now, what this is not is it doesn’t mean self-care is bubble baths and candles, but it’s…
boundaries and it’s considering your commitments to yourself and ultimately the performance paradox to all of this is when you actually put yourself first, when you protect your energy, when you prioritize your health, everyone around you benefits, which I know is the opposite to what your brain is telling you. But the reality is when you do this, you show up more present, you think more clearly and you actually have more capacity to meet the demands of your life and work.
Every single person and everything in your orbit benefits the ripple effect is profound And so today we’re going to explore why high achievers like yourself often put yourselves last and how this might show up day to day and the paradox that when you actually put yourself first Everyone else wins. I’ll share a few client examples which might resonate or speak to you and a personal story I’m currently working through
And of course, if this is you, three practical places that you can start. Sound like a plan? Great. Let’s get into today’s episode.
Jess Spendlove (04:32.802)
So many high achievers do not put themselves last because they lack discipline or awareness or because they’re intentionally making that decision. They’re not sitting there going, great, today I’m gonna put myself last. What actually happens is they do this unintentionally because they often care deeply.
Jess Spendlove (04:56.334)
They want to support their team. They want to look after their family. They want to maintain high standards. So unintentionally, what is happening if this is you is that you’re trading your own needs to meet expectations and responsibilities. Now, the tricky part about this is most of these decisions are not conscious. Like I said, you’re not sitting there going, OK, great today, I’m going to put myself last. But this is a way that you’ve learned to operate and
You’re in the habit of doing this. You’re a yes person. You you might often be referred to as a get shit done person. You’re one of those people that does what needs to be done. You’re one of those people that stands up and does the doing. And you often say yes. And it might often be just a natural reflex. It’s not something you actually stop and consider the personal cost. Do I have capacity for this?
Can I actually meet this timeline? Before you know it, you’ve said yes and you’ve committed to the thing. But the trade is real. And for every yes that you make, there is a no. And again, that might not be consciously, that might just be a byproduct of when you say yes to this, you say no to that. So for example, when you say yes to working late at night,
or when you say yes to taking on another project, which you’re not sure you can actually do, you’re likely saying no to sleep or you’re likely taking from your energy, from your weekend energy bucket, which is for your friends and your family. Or you might be saying no to movement or going to that yoga class at night. And on the flip side, if you find this is more relevant to you in the home context, when you say yes to taking on another thing,
you might actually be saying no to your mental space, your decompression, your ability to actually decompress from the day. And so if you are one of these yes people and you know or you want this to shift, I really hope today’s episode is that light bulb moment and gives you some tools or some tactics which are not overhauling your life, which are simple ways that you can integrate things into your world.
Jess Spendlove (07:21.024)
so you can start saying yes to yourself. Because too often, the unintentional no is directed at you. And it’s directed at your health, your energy and your wellbeing. And it’s time for that to stop. And I say that lovingly because I have found myself here yet again, and I have had variations of this so many times in my career before. And while it is simple to say, yes, I need to choose myself.
when you were in the habit of being the yes person, I really understand how hard that is to shift. And it is about how do I actually do it in a way that feels aligned and easy and frictionless. Now, the other way that the yes, the saying yes to everything else and saying no to yourself can often show up is the always being on. Now,
This was definitely my story for a long time when I was deep in the world of professional sport. I was always on, always available. And you know, if I’m honest, that probably made me feel good for a period of time. There was some sort of validation going on. I loved my job. I loved being able to help all of these different athletes. You know, there was one point in time where I was actually…
working across seven professional sports teams. That’s actually crazy. There was the GWS Giants, the Cronulla Sharks, Giants, Netball, Sydney Kings, gosh I can’t even think of them all. GWS Giants, AFL, Western Sydney Wanderers, I don’t think I said them, and New South Wales Waratahs. Now look, I do have to say like some of those sports are winter sports and summer sports, which if you’re a sports person you would know that means there’s different
pre-seasons and in-seasons and off-seasons. So there was a level of periodization there, but you know, a good four or five of those teams are winter sports. So there was a good, I don’t know, eight or nine months of the year where all of those sports were in their busiest periods of time, their pre-seasons and their in-seasons when they traveled. And I was honestly working seven days a week for that whole period of time.
Jess Spendlove (09:39.552)
I sit here and I just think back to that and you know I’ve obviously…
had a lot of different things happen which have evolved the way I approach things now but I just look back and think my goodness the state that I was operating in adrenaline and cortisol and probably too much caffeine and no recovery there was so much yes to everybody else and in my head that made me better at my job but there was so much no to myself there was
so much no to my personal life and my friends and my family and enjoyment outside of work and connection on that really deep level. And yes, the career gave me so much satisfaction for a period of time, but the always being on and stretch so thin and prioritizing so many people ahead of myself, that really came at a cost and a cost that I paid for a really long period of time until I learned the lesson.
And I really hope you don’t have to pay that same lesson, which is why, one of the reasons why I’m doing this podcast to get this message more out. But the reality is if this is speaking to you and you struggle with boundaries and you are a yes person and you are always on and you’re sending emails on the weekend or you’re checking your emails, you know, on a Sunday afternoon, this is your yes permission, but possibly also wake up.
call to say, is this serving you? Is this actually saying yes to you? Are you saying no to yourself?
Jess Spendlove (11:24.502)
And so doing the full days and always being on or replying to the emails straight away, starting early in the morning and finishing late at night or being on the WhatsApp channels or the Slack channels or the Teams channels or whatever platform and forms of communication that there are, is this the thing that you, is this actually making you better at your job or is this just exhausting you and draining you?
Jess Spendlove (11:53.379)
Because here’s the truth, if this sounds like you or a version of you or there’s elements of you, this doesn’t make you better at your job. What it really does is drains your capacity and erodes the baseline level of energy that you’ve got. And you actually begin operating on adrenaline rather than sustainable energy. Now, the research is very clear on this, that chronic overwork and a lack of recovery
impair cognitive function, emotional regulation, and decision-making powers.
you essentially lose perspective and you make poorer choices. You you might still be moving, but the quality of that movement declines, your energy declines, your bandwidth, your capacity declines. And how this might feel or show up, you might be more irritable, you have a shorter fuse, you sleep less, you caffeinate more, and there are small stresses that really amplify. And if any of that is speaking to you, these are signs that you are surviving and not thriving.
and this becomes your normal until your body forces you to stop. Now, we don’t wanna reach that point. And I understand, know, we’re in November, we’re at the back half of the year. There’s six or seven weeks left till Christmas, which is crazy at the time this episode goes live. And most of us are operating in a state where it takes a little bit more for our batteries to recharge.
So I really ask you to check in on your days and your weeks. And if any of this is speaking to you, what can you put in place?
Jess Spendlove (13:42.863)
to give yourself that space, to give yourself the capacity to stop being always on. Because the always on isn’t making you better at your job, it is actually exhausting you. And what makes you better is by having boundaries and having proper recovery and filling your cup and your energy and your capacity and your ability to handle daily stress. Because remember, every time you say yes to something,
you’re saying no to something and often that no is to yourself.
Jess Spendlove (14:20.054)
Now, I thought I might share a couple of examples that have come up this year with some of my coaching clients or for audiences that I speak to. And as I mentioned with them, I often survey them before a keynote. So I get data on where the opportunities exist for them or where they’re particularly struggling. And you would be surprised how this is showing up for…
all people of all levels. I’m talking seasoned CEOs, know, a mixture of males and females experiencing this. I’m talking some of the most unlikely people still finding that they’re prioritizing their careers and their families ahead of themselves.
So three examples are the first one is a business owner. Now this is a female. She has two young children, primary school age, high performing, executive style person, and she was navigating a few transitions in work and life. She really loved taking her children to school. That was something which she really wanted to do and fit into her day despite all of the commitments.
But she would often find herself rushing in the morning and prioritizing the children and making sure that they had eaten breakfast and then for herself this often wasn’t prioritized. And so it could look a whole heap of different ways. It could be no breakfast or it could be the kids scraps for breakfast or occasionally it might be breakfast and that could range from a piece of toast to some oats, maybe some eggs every now and then. This chaotic
unstructured morning for her, how that was showing up later in her day. She was hungry, she had cravings, she was irritable, her energy levels were all over the place. She would then eat more food later on at night, closer to sleep and that would then impact her sleep and so this cycle perpetuates. And so while I know it might sound like impossible at the moment to find that slither of time in the morning before all of those things start to happen,
Jess Spendlove (16:32.266)
If you can make the time, if you can find a strategy which is super simple, maybe it’s boiling some eggs on the weekend, maybe it’s making some overnight oats, maybe it’s just a smoothie or a yogurt bowl, it doesn’t have to be much time or commitment. But if you can find a way to prioritize yourself, prioritize your morning, stabilize your foundation and your starting point, that will show up in leaps and bounds for you later in the day.
And when you say yes to yourself in the moment, you are rewarded with better energy, reduced cravings, more focus, more capacity, improved ability to handle the day’s stresses. It is incredible how much prioritizing the start of your day and how you charge up.
really sets you up for success. And so that’s one example. The next example is another client recently. She is a CEO. She also has a young family and a big focus for her was on her energy levels. And this was energy, her overall, as well as her stability, but also importantly for work and life. And one thing she really wanted was making sure she had the
energy to do the activities and create the memories with a family on the weekend rather than finding she needed so much time to be on the couch to recover and to recuperate and also finding time and not feeling guilty for saying to a family and a partner I need an hour on the weekend each day so I can do some movement this is really important for my overall health energy and by saying yes to herself there
What that did was it gave her more energy, it gave her more capacity. The benefits of these things compounded. And again, what happens here, everybody in your orbit benefits because you have more energy, you have more capacity, you can pour into them rather than needing to take that time to rest and reset and to really struggle to find the capacity to create those memories on the weekend.
Jess Spendlove (18:46.85)
which is what life is all about. Yes, we’re high performing people. Yes, we want the energy. Yes, we want to perform in our careers or our businesses, whatever that looks like, but we want the energy on the weekend. And this is your note or memo to say, you can have both of those things, but the way you have both of those things is by prioritizing yourself first, because then everyone and everything around you benefits from that.
And now I know those two examples that I’ve given are both female clients, but these are conversations I have with my male clients as well and in groups that I work with. So later this week, I am working with a group of CEOs. They are one of the YPO chapters. And as I mentioned before, I do these kinds of sessions. I collect data, I survey on a range of things so I can really customize the content to meet the group where they are.
but focus on the elements within, you know, all of the things I talk about, like nutrition, sleep, exercise, recovery, stress management, et cetera. I can customize it to where they are and where they want to be.
This is not the first time this kind of data has showed up. It happens very regularly with various groups of executives, leaders, emerging leaders, all of these types of people. But one of the questions I’ve asked this group is, where is the gap between what you know you should do for your health and performance and what you actually do? And the number one response to this question, which is nearly half of the people in the room just under
The biggest gap for them is prioritization and organization. And the expansion of this is that other priorities such as work, such as family, take priorities over their own health and that often slips down the list. So even in these moments when people have surveyed, they can identify that yes, this is the gap, this is the opportunity, but it’s how do we actually make that switch? Awareness is one thing.
Jess Spendlove (21:03.05)
Execution is another. And the other thing in calling all of this out is to show how systemic this is. It really is a huge mindset shift, which when we actually can break it down and give practical tools on ways that we can start to prioritize ourselves, makes a huge impact. Like I said, it’s this kind of performance paradox in action.
where what we think is by putting everyone and everything else first, that will actually, that’s actually the right thing. But when we actually put ourself first in a way that fits our life, every single other person, family, friends, team, organization, et cetera, they all benefit from that ripple effect. And so I just wanna reiterate, self-care is not selfish, it is self-preservation.
And what it is also not, it is not bubble baths and candles. Although if you enjoy that, go for it. I mean, I enjoy them myself. But what I’m talking about here is it’s not, that is not the strategy. What is the strategy is boundaries and personal commitments and living them and breathing them and walking the talk, not just talking the talk. So what this doesn’t have to be is a complete overhaul.
All it needs to be is you getting clarity on your one to two non-negotiables that work for you. These are your anchor points. These are your domino habits. These are the things that work on your busiest days, not just your best.
Jess Spendlove (22:50.862)
And so at this point, I would love you just to have a reflection, whether you pause the podcast or whether you keep going and at the end you reflect on this, but I want you to reflect on what is it that you’re saying yes to at the cost of saying no to yourself. So what are you saying yes to others or other things or other commitments at the cost of saying no to yourself? That is the ripple effect of that.
And what is that costing you? Is that costing you energy? Is it costing you patience? Is it costing you presence? Is it costing you capacity? Maybe it’s costing you all of those things. So reflect on that.
Jess Spendlove (23:49.165)
Now, just to give you a little quick example, I kind of highlighted, you know, previously professional sport, the always on mantra that I had and how I thought that made me better at my job. But right now this is showing up for me in a few different ways. So if you listen to the podcast, you’ll know I’m navigating a season of new motherhood. I now have a 10, 10 and a half month old and I have this constant dance between particularly in the morning. You know, I am a morning person and I do
love to exercise in the morning. Now I should say I am still exercising in the morning but often I’m having this kind of dance between do I just go for a walk and do I take Millie which ticks a certain level of you know what I need but because I’ve had this ongoing chronic back pain which great news is starting to improve not completely but because it is starting to improve I have capacity to do more things. I am still swimming a little bit but there are more weights
and even some running, getting added in there. And I’ve kind of acknowledged over the last, I don’t know, few weeks, month or so, that the walking, while it is great, it is not serving me and my mood and my energy and my focus and my mental wellbeing enough. And so this for me has also been an indicator of, okay, I need to start adding more of these other types of movement back in. But every morning I have this dance.
Do I say yes to myself and give Millie to my partner and take that time? Or do I have a cuddle with her in bed and do I go for a walk with her? Because I really love that time and we have a bit of a ritual of having a coffee together and I love that. But I have acknowledged that that hasn’t been enough for me. And that has really been showing up in my mood and even honestly my ability to manage stress and how I’m feeling in the back half of the day.
And so this conversation has been really inspired by me navigating this at the moment and having this conversation around, well, what am I saying yes to? It can come in all different ways, shapes and forms. And at the moment, I’ve really had to kind of have this conversation with myself and it’s not every day I’m doing more intense exercise, but at least a few mornings a week. And I have kind of been consciously tracking
Jess Spendlove (26:14.678)
when my mood is really impacted and my mental wellbeing and making sure that on those days or with these kind of rhythm that I’ve noticed, I have been putting in those mornings on those specific days where that has been showing up or where in particular I want to feel my best. And so at the moment I am still working three days a week, mainly. There are the occasional few.
I say yes to other things and that is another example. A few weeks ago, I ended up working five days saying yes to opportunities. It just ended up being one of those weeks. And at the end of that week, I was exhausted. I felt like I had not had enough time with Millie. And it was so clear that I had said no to myself and my needs. And so that was a good recalibration. Okay, Jess, three days each week, that’s what you want. You’ve set yourself up for that.
the occasional fourth is okay, but absolutely under no circumstances will you be saying yes to five days a week. That is not what you want to be doing in this season of life. And so that was really clear. So I’ve recalibrated, set the diary and yeah, reminded myself of that.
And so I guess if you’re wondering where you should start, the first place I would say for you to start is to reflect on what is your domino habit. Now, this is that one behavior that anchors your day. This is the one habit that when done consistently, first thing in the morning, set your day out to run more effortlessly. Now, if you know what this is, the key here is protecting it and
making that promise to yourself. And if you are not sure what it is, I would encourage you to experiment with a few things and see what is that habit that when you do that in the morning, helps your whole day run more effortlessly. And so a few examples of this might be morning exercise. It might be a high protein breakfast. It might be, this is an example I had someone tell me at a talk that I did. It is a coffee with a colleague.
Jess Spendlove (28:27.64)
who is a friend first thing in the morning before they start their day. And so this really needs to speak to you on how you like to operate, what your chronotype is when you’re in your most productive time and when your energy at its peak. Find your domino habit, protect it. It’s a game changer. The next thing if you’ve already done that is maybe looking at what are your morning and your evening anchors. And so that domino habit first thing in the morning might be your morning one.
This is the thing that helps you charge up and sustain that energy across the day. But what is your evening one? What is your trigger? What is the thing that signals to your brain? We’re winding down, we’re getting ready to go to sleep. It also might be that habit or anchor that is your reflection or relaxation practice. Now, I’ve done a whole heap of sleep episodes. And so if this is something you’re wanting to improve, I would highly encourage you go and listen to those.
But basically the thing I want you to know here is that if you are not making time for reflection or restoration or relaxation before bed or across the day, when you get into sleep, that is when you are gonna ruminate. That is when you’re gonna be tired and wired. That is when you’re gonna be waking between two and three a.m. with all the thoughts. And so having a morning,
and an evening anchor, or if you want to call them both a morning domino and an evening domino, is incredibly important. And the way that you should think about an anchor is that it is a signal to your brain that you were starting to charge up or charge down for the day. The third thing you might do, or the one you might choose out of these three options, is that you book appointments with yourself.
Now, I’m sure your diary is full of work commitments, maybe appointments like physios or massages or children’s sporting commitments, whatever that might be. But do you have your commitments to yourself in the diary? And these commitments to yourself might be when you exercise, when you sleep, when you eat, when you take your brain break. Now, if you’re not scheduling any of those things,
Jess Spendlove (30:48.15)
maybe start with one, but you creating a rhythm and you creating consistency is saying yes to yourself.
The other thing here is most people just rely on when there’s space for that, that’s like secondary. But yet again, when you’re saying yes to other things, you’re saying no to yourself. So I would really encourage you to schedule all of these things in your diary. Because the other thing is, if you’re just going, yeah, it’s three o’clock in the afternoon, I’m gonna have a brain break, I’m going to go for a walk around the block. If that isn’t in your diary and the reminder doesn’t pop up, you’re
probably going to be deep in some sort of project or email or inbox and next minute it’s 4.30 and you’ve missed that window. It is really important we schedule these things, we make these commitments to ourselves, we say yes to ourself because everything else, whether that’s your family, your work, your career, your friends, everything else benefits when you do that.
Jess Spendlove (31:56.173)
And so the benefits of this, when you start saying yes to you, you will have better energy, you will have more patience, you will be able to make sharper, more accurate decisions, you will be more productive. When we think about your family and how they will benefit, you’ll be more present, you’ll have more energy, you’ll be calmer. And there is so much benefit to that. And this is something I am constantly reminding myself of.
So with this back and forth with myself at the moment, I am reminding myself that when I make that time and take that time away from Millie in the morning, she is actually benefiting from me doing that because I’m showing up as a better version of myself across the day later in the day. And if you’re having these thoughts for your team,
Jess Spendlove (32:49.012)
Know that when, especially if you’re a leader or you’re in a leadership position, when you walk the talk, the contagion effect is real. When your team see you embodying this and taking your lunch break and recovering, one, it signals to them that they should be doing the same, but two, this builds higher trust and psychological safety. Now there was a great white paper done by the Work Well Leaders Impact Study.
earlier this year, which showed exactly this. The number one driver of organisational wellbeing and performance is leadership wellbeing. And this is exactly this. It is leaders walking the talk, not just talking the talk, but then doing the opposite, embodying this, prioritising their own wellbeing. I’ve said it once, I’ve said this so many times, but I’m going to say it again. Wellbeing is the foundation.
for performance and leadership capacity. And even if you’re not in a leadership position, but you’ve got aspirations to be like that, you are still leading yourself. You’re probably leading your family. So this applies in all of these contexts.
And so I guess just to round out this episode, I really hope if this is you, if you’re finding that you’re prioritizing yourself last, unintentionally, that it is time to break that cycle. I hope those practical examples have given you an entry point on how you might do that, that feels frictionless or feels achievable for the phase of life that you’re at. But remember that prioritizing yourself is leadership.
its leadership in life, at work, at home. And these small actions matter. They don’t have to be grand gestures, are overhauls. Find one key non-negotiable behavior, commit to it. Choosing one thing today is a big heck yes to yourself. And I would really encourage you to just reflect on this episode, see what’s speaking to you. See the easiest entry point.
Jess Spendlove (35:01.282)
choose the path of least resistance. I really hope this helps you protect your energy and prioritize yourself. And like I said, there’s been so many times I’ve gotten this wrong. So I really understand how that can feel and the small shifts that can make huge impacts. If you’ve enjoyed today’s episode and there’s someone in your life who you think you would get benefit from this, please share it with them.
whether that is a direct share or on social media. If there’s something in this episode that’s really spoken to you, please reach out. I always love hearing that. It really helps to know what episodes and content are really resonating with the people tuning in. If you haven’t already left a five-star review and you love the episode or love the podcast, that would be so appreciated. And otherwise, that’s all I have for you this week. I’ll be back again next week with a guest episode, helping you all.
not only reach the top but sustainably stay there. I’ll see you all then.